deportbieber, keepbieber
by Laveycee
Summary: America and Canada decide how to get rid of Justin Bieber. Human names used, not Bieber-friendly, and some language is used-full warnings inside. NOT SLASH, MORE LIKE A BRO-FIC. One-shot. Also, happy Canada Day and Independence Day to Canadians and fellow Americans.


**So! To readers of my other fics, I'm not dead; simply lazy. I've finally gotten around to posting this, as it's America and Canada -centric, which makes it perfect, as on July 1st it was Canada Day, on today (the fourth), it's Independence Day. (Not the movie-I haven't see it, although I've heard it's good.) Anyway, hopefully next year I'll actually post a fic on Canada Day that focuses solely on Canada, and one on the fourth that's all America.**

**Disclaimer: Guess what? Hetalia's still not mine (I'm not sure I'd want to own it... the countries would probably use my house to throw a giant party, which my mother would not be pleased about).**

_**Note: I use the name "Rosa Maria Flores" for Mexico, the name "Jett Blenkinsop" for Australia (simply because I found the name on Yahoo Answers and decided it was hilarious), and I agree with the canon human names of other characters, unless mentioned.**_

_**Also: THIS FIC HAS A "T" RATING BECAUSE OF FOUL LANGUAGE, WHICH MAY BE OFFENSIVE TO THE READER. (BY THIS I MEAN "FUCK", "BASTARD", AND "ASSHOLE". YOU'VE PROBABLY HEARD WORSE (COS HETALIA TENDS TO BE RATHER CURSE-FRIENDLY), BUT JUST AN FYI, THOSE ARE THE ONLY CURSES IN THIS FIC.)**_

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_This is a transcript taken from the office of Alfred F. Jones (Personification: The United States of America) with Matthew Williams (Personification: Canada). Subject: Justin Bieber._

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**Alfred Jones: **Mattie, take him back.

**Matthew Williams: **No way, Alfred.

**Jones: **GODAMMIT, MATTIE, TAKE HIM THE FUCK BACK! I CAN'T DEAL WITH HAVING HIM HERE ANYMORE!

**Williams: **No, Alfred, no, you can keep him, really, it's fine.

**Jones: **Mattie, I don't want the bastard! TAKE HIM BACK, PEOPLE ACTUALLY THINK HE'S AMERICAN!

**Williams: **No fucking way am I taking the asshole! Can't we shove him off on Rosa?

**Jones: **She called up about a week ago. Said that if we even thought about shoving him off on her, she'd take back Texas.

**Williams: **Well, that only affects you, so—

**Jones:** And that she'd cut off all trade with us. No imports or exports. And then she threatened to convince everyone at the World Meeting to cut off trade with us as well.

**Williams:** Fuck.

**Jones: **Yep. Can't dump the asshole off on Cuba (he already doesn't like me), and none of the European countries would take him, the Asian countries would threaten us with nuclear war (or in North Korea's case, actually carry out the threat), the African countries aren't really speaking to me right now, and Jett—

**Williams:** Jett has his own issues right now.

**Jones: **Yeah.

**Williams:** ...We could kill him.

**Jones: **And get busted? C'mon, Mattie, they'd discover fingerprints, look us up, discover that hey, we don't exist, call up the governments, shout at them, then find us and make us explain. A secret that's been kept for thousands of years let loose suddenly.

**Williams: **Fuck. Think we could dump him in the Arctic?

**Jones: **Ivan might be willing to... _dispose _of him for us if we dropped him in Siberia...

**Williams**: Would he do a favor for you?

**Jones**: He irritates Ivan more than I do. He hates the guy.

**Williams**: Can't say I blame him.

**Jones**: I'll write it down so I remember to ask him next World Meeting.

**Williams**: Nah, I'll do it. Your handwriting is awful. How do you want to phrase it?

**Jones**: Put down '_Ask Russia if willing to dispose of Justin Bieber in Siberia. No legal repercussions from me or Canada_'.

**Williams**: Alright, that's done. Are we flying together for the Meeting?

**Jones**: As always, bro. Meeting at Niagra?

**Williams**: As usual. You're not piloting, are you?

**Jones**: No, Artie told me that if I flew another commercial airplane, he'd report me for flying without a license.

**Williams**: But you have a li—

**Jones**: Yeah, but it's from WWII and for a fighter plane, not a civvie plane.

**Williams: **Ah. See you next month, then, Al.

**Jones:** Bye, Mattie.

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_**This was inspired by a Tumblr post by **__**angelsofletters which read: "**__**The fact that the USA is trending #deportbieber and Canada is trending #keepbieber reminds me of two 3 year olds throwing that one toy no one likes at each other". This made me think of Hetalia, and thus this fic was born. If you can't tell, I hate Justin Bieber. He's kinda an asshole.**_

_**And it was written months ago, and wasn't published. Problem fixed.**_


End file.
